When you got married, you didn't imagine this is how it would be. After all, you love each other. You are attracted to one another and have good chemistry.
However, when you are intimate, there is something missing. Maybe it is a new development in your relationship. Perhaps it has always been that way, and you hoped it would eventually change, but it hasn't. Your married sex life is passionless.
Sex is not always going to be earth-shattering, particularly when a couple has been married for a long time. When it consistently lacks passion overtime is when it can become divisive.
The frequency of its occurrence tends to become less and less. Filled with unsatisfied desires, some turn to unhealthy things such as porn or an affair to attempt to quench their thirst. In order to find the solution, it is important to identify the problem.
If your married sex life lacks passion, it could be because of one of these reasons:
1. Inhibitions. When one or both people in a couple are inhibited, it normally comes from a negative view of sex. This negative view may have formed from something as dramatic as abuse. Others may have had parents that tried to keep them from having unmarried sex by communicating that sex is bad. That association sometimes remains even after marriage. Feelings of guilt, fear and self-consciousness come rushing in like they are still doing something wrong. Unfortunately, these are normally deeply ingrained (particularly abuse) and need counseling to move toward healing.
2. Lack of prioritizing and initiative. Sex is not set as a priority. Energy is given to everything else: raising kids, pursuing careers or maybe even pursuing other people. This normally happens when one person puts sex low on the list, leaving the other frustrated. Picking up on the frustration of their spouse, they do it out of obligation. Nothing takes the passion out of sex more than when a husband feels like his wife has sex with him as a favor or vice versa. Both husband and wife need to keep it high on the list of priorities.
3. Hidden bitterness. When unresolved issues and a lack of forgiveness linger below the surface, they create disunity. Passionate sex is fueled by the level of connection a couple is experiencing. Hurt that's not dealt with will turn the heart into a Petri dish of bitterness. The relationship electricity will dim until it eventually shuts off.
4. Lack of honesty. Whether it is for fear of either rejection or hurting the other person, a lack of honesty will place limits on the sexual relationship in a marriage. It shows a lack of trust. It's important to be able to communicate what each person finds enjoyable and what they don't. This doesn't mean all desires need to be met but that there should be a safe environment for free and open dialogue. One of the beautiful things about sex is knowing things about one another that no one else knows.
5. Focus on performance. The focus of sex should be to love, connect and enjoy one another. People can become preoccupied with performing because it makes them feel powerful. It could also be out of the insecurity of being compared to their spouse's past experiences. It's good to tune in to your spouse and work to meet their desires as long as the motivation is one of giving. When the motivation becomes performing, then it becomes self-serving and breeds disconnection.
6. Loss of attractiveness. This can be physical, but in most cases, it is deeper. Maybe it is the abrasive or disrespectful way she treats him that causes him to view her as less attractive. It could be that he has no initiative in life or with the family that turns her off. Address the issues honestly but with kindness and gentleness.
7. Familiarity. Both of you are caught in a cycle of doing the same routine. It's gotten predictable and boring. A couple can easily fall into this trap, but it's important to change things up and perhaps even try something new.
Sound off: What do you do to keep passion in your marriage?
BJ Foster is the content manager for All Pro Dad and a married father of two. For the original article, visit allprodad.com.
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