Embracing the Gift of Your Wife's Sexual Personality

Married couple in bed
If you can learn to accept your spouse sexually, you will move much more quickly toward creating the best sex of your life. (Getty Images )

A strong sex drive that doesn't quit until near death is a gift from God to men.

A man's sexual drive forces him to push through his insecurities and self-doubts to start dating. It is also a large motivator for men to marry.

This drive compels men to work through marital issues with their wives. This sexual gift from God is what glues a man to his wife spiritually, emotionally and neurologically.

The gift of sex is different for women. The woman's drive seems to come mostly from the communion in an emotional and spiritual realm. Generally speaking, when she feels close, she wants to express herself physically. She is not looking for a sex act; she is looking for a love event during sexuality.

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I believe women intuitively desire spirit, soul and body sex for the majority of their sexual experiences. This gift of sexuality and communion from her soul is as important to acknowledge as the husband's physiological sex drive.

It is important that you never attempt to manipulate or change how your wife is created. If you can learn to accept your spouse sexually, you will move much more quickly toward creating the best sex of your life. I vividly remember a conversation I was having with a man one day about his sexual expression with his wife. He was a 47-year-old blue-collar worker with six sons and a wife who worked at a garment factory. They were having sex very infrequently.

He and I started talking about the emotional needs of women. He said to me, "You're right!" Apparently about a year ago he read my book, Intimacy: 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships, which gives a description of women and what they need. He said the book told him to listen without trying to solve the problem. It said to ask questions about her feelings and to also share things about his life without being prompted.

He told me, "I did everything the book told me to do for three months. That's when we were having the most and best sex of our marriage!" I asked him why his sexual life started failing again. He said something that has stuck with me all these years: "I stopped doing my part."

For three months, this husband accepted the fact that men are different from women. Women have needs that men don't necessarily have at the same level. Some men are pretty simple in their thought processes about sex.

A major part of a woman's sexuality is wrapped up in her getting her spiritual and emotional needs met on a daily basis. When this happens, a man will see the transformation of his wife's spiritual, emotional and sexual demeanor. If you give your wife intimacy, you will find that sexuality is more comfortable for her to participate in and initiate.

Remember that male sexuality is a gift from God. It is to be celebrated by the couple, not tolerated. A man who is sexually tolerated by his wife will, over time, generate many negative feelings toward his wife. A man who generally feels sexual acceptance and is sexually celebrated will have an ongoing positive feeling and expression of love for his wife.

On the other hand, a husband who ignores the spiritual and emotional aspects of his wife will also damage their sexuality over time. The man who is spiritually and emotionally lazy has a huge surprise down the road. The surprise is that she won't be interested, and it will be because you did not accept her spiritually and emotionally.

If you want your wife to be uninterested in sex, don't pray with her, listen to her feelings or keep your word outside the bedroom.

Our sexual personality is often very similar to our nonsexual personality.

If you marry a woman who drives the speed limit, doesn't take many risks, and is pretty conservative in her beliefs and behaviors, don't expect her sexual personality to be exotic or bizarre. She will be herself.

Men, take a minute here and think about this. Is your wife more conservative in her approach to life, or is she more appetite-driven? Is she a risk-taker? Is she loud?

Whatever her personality is outside the bedroom, it will most likely be her personality inside your bedroom, regardless of your preconceived notions of what she should be. She is who she is. Accepting her sexual personality will give you a better perspective of your precious spouse.

Having laid that groundwork, now the fun begins. Often men or women who take risks and have more aggressive personalities are attracted to more stable spouses who do not seek the limelight. You can see how these personalities complement each other in most areas of life. When it comes to sex, both the husband and wife will desire sexual expression that is congruent with their personalities.

Your partner's personality is a gift that can balance your sexual intimacy as a couple. Accepting each other as a gift is important in this process of negotiating what your sexual expression can be.

Both personalities are challenged to grow and yet stay true to themselves. To learn more about your wife's sexual language and desires, I would recommend reading the book The 5 Sex Languages. Genuine balance can take years to negotiate. This is especially true when a couple polarizes, which occurs when each demands to be right instead of both personalities growing sexually into oneness.

Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including, 30-Day Marriage Makeover, Sex, Men and God, Intimacy; and his latest, Worthy: Exercise and Step Book. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com, by phone at 719.278.3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.

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