About three months ago, I began a program to get my teaching license and eventually my master's in education. At the time, it seemed like a really good thing ... even though I don’t have the money to pay for the program, nor is the time to do it clearly evident. In fact, when I was interviewing with the head of the program, he questioned whether it was possible for a single mother of five to do the program, much less teach full time. I assured him it was possible—I had actually already done it. (Totally a miracle, by the way.)
And I need another miracle. I need help!
"O God, be not far from me; O my God, make haste to help me" (Ps. 71:12).
In every form available.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth" (Ps. 121:1-2).
I have to be honest. I’m having one of those days when it just seems like nothing is going to be doable. And getting my children to seriously put some effort into helping is more than frustrating. And the house seems to be crashing around me at the same time everything I have to do is crashing as well.
And today I have a fever, a wicked bad sore throat and body aches, and I just want to lie down and sleep. Well, actually, at the moment, I want to lie down and cry.
I didn’t used to be prone to tears, but lately I feel like I’m on the verge at all times. It just seems like I can’t possibly handle everything God has given me. And the future just looks harder and harder.
Today my Bible study was on Philippians 4:6-7. I’ve been studying Philippians for months, so I knew these verses were going to show up sooner or later. They used to be my mantra, but then I decided to put my big girl pants on and actually live by them, not just chant them to myself.
Apparently I’ve forgotten how to do that of late. I’m just an absolute mess of fear, worry, anxiety, sorrow and frustration. I don’t want to be this girl.
Just now, I was downstairs trying to get my children to do something, anything, to help. I was tripping over dogs, cars, toys and clothes (which is hazardous with a broken foot). There are dishes in the sink and more laundry than you can comprehend. Even though today my little girls are outside without jackets, in two days we are expecting more snow and sleet, so I can’t put all those blasted coats, scarves, boots and gloves away. And they are all over the place.
I finally just designated a room for them to be everywhere—the foyer was embarrassing. I know taxes are going to be due about the same time as tuition—that is another God-sized task. Huge. (There is actually a part of me that is excited to see how God provides for them! The other part of me is terrified.)
The other day I met with a school official about one of my children and the learning issues she has. I drove home in tears. (Shocking—tears.) In the next few weeks, I have to fit in practicum hours, and I can’t even figure out where they are going to magically appear. What is going to drop so I can do that? Something’s gotta give.
I kinda feel like I’m just the one giving lately. I don’t think I have much more to give.
Unfortunately, at this moment, I feel like giving up. I feel like just crawling under the covers and forgetting about deadlines, appointments, assignments, finances, houses, issues, illnesses, learning issues and everything else.
I hate being like this. I don’t like using that word hate, but it fits. I really don’t want to be this way. I want to live in victory. How can I feel so defeated when I have God? It is so hard to keep my focus on Him.
I started today with Him, and tonight I will end with time with Him. But somewhere in between, I keep getting sidetracked by all the minutia of the day. Who am I kidding—it isn’t just the day. It’s everything all the time.
It’s so much. I can’t keep up mentally, physically or emotionally I just can’t.
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