This one thing has haunted me, making me feel angry, desolate, sad, frustrated, hateful, and insecure. It's called grief.
I've never lost a loved one to a physical death. Therefore, I haven't considered myself ever needing to "grieve the loss" of anyone. But after a dream I had last night and many dreams before, God is speaking to my heart wanting me to get real with Him, so He may reveal truth and heal me.
The truth is, I lost my father and I have never taken time to grieve that loss. When you read my book, Raised by Strangers, you will understand the whole story and be enlightened. I've had to sever our relationship and protect myself from him.
I buried him in my mind and speak of him as dead. But truth be told, he is very much alive—not only physically alive, but in my mind, visions, dreams and memories. My heart hurts right now for the dad I never had. For the man who should have loved me but abandoned me. My soul and my being wants my dad to love and approve of me, but I honestly accept that will probably never happen.
I had a dream about my dad last night. He was there; he was real. He was helping me with my kids as I stayed at his house. He was being a true dad: kind, not condescending, helpful and protective. Yes, it certainly was a dream. A made up story in my imagination of something I only wish would have happened for real.
However, that relationship, that time, that father—he is gone, lost and broken. He is distant, cold, harsh, and not a "real father". I can say or make myself believe he is dead, but I do have to come face to face with the truth. It is time to grieve. It is time to stop being hurt, angry, frustrated and trying to change things in my mind. It is time to grieve the loss of my father and the relationship we will never have.
A couple months ago I met a woman who is a true, divine connection. As I learned more about Alysha St. Germain, my heart connected to hers. She has two small children and lost her husband to cancer last year. Through her loss and pain, she is reaching out to many in God's supernatural strength and power. She is not superwoman, but she has a heart after God's.
I never saw the connection before. I get it now—it's an epiphany to my soul. This is why God brought Alysha into my life. I need her. I need to love, live, grieve and heal. I emailed her this morning and said:
"This is why I need this course. This is why I need you. This is why God has brought you into my life. I didn't know it until this morning. But truth is refreshing and my spirit is overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness. I choose to accept I need to grieve. I choose to move forward. I know it will be a slow process because for some reason it is the most painful event and experience in my life. Even more than my own mother abandoning me, my father who is loveless hurts more."
In the Bible Jesus heals the paralytic at the pool of Bethesda. He says to the man, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:6). Sometimes the answer is in the question. Do you want to get well? What if our healing was dependent on us wanting to get well and receive it? What if the only thing keeping us from healing was ourselves? My answer is, "yes Lord, I want to get well." What is your answer?
Let us pray:
Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Great I Am. You are King of Kings and Mighty God. You are our Healer and everything we need. We come before You and surrender our whole being to You. You are our Creator and know us better than we know ourselves. We say, "yes." We want healing. We want to know the truth because Your Word says the truth will set us free. In our darkest moments and in our worst pain, You are with us and will never leave us nor forsake us. It is Your desire for us to be healthy and full of Your joy unspeakable. Draw us close to You. Help us to forgive, release all hurt, pain, anger, and bitterness to You. Remind us that You are all we need. You know our hearts and exactly what we have gone through. Please start working in us at this very moment and shine Your light upon us. Embrace us with Your love and fill us with Your peace that surpasses all understanding. We are expecting great things from You. Thank You. Amen.
Brooke Lynn is the author of Raised by Strangers available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. She is a writer and a speaker who passionately lives—reaching others with God's Word and love. She is a survivor of abuse, sharing her past pain and recovery to encourage others with hope. Brooke resides in the Washington D.C. area, has been married for nineteen years, has two children and loves dogs.
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