At 10:30 p.m., I finally sat down on my bed, opened my Bible and asked God to speak to me from His Word. I had a full day of accomplishment. I worked out for an hour and made a new friend at Planet Fitness. I started drafting an e-mail newsletter and had an hour-long conference call with a client about a marketing project. I landed a ghostwriting contract and posted my stories for tomorrow. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep because of an unsatisfied crave.
Crave is an urgent desire that must be satiated. This could be a good thing if you crave healthy, good-for-your-soul food, music or books. Or a crave can drive you to do things you would never think of doing such as selling yourself for drugs. Either way, God has put in our soul a desire that only He can fulfill.
I dutifully read my assigned readings following the"read through your Bible in a year" plan. And then suddenly, three Scriptures kept commanding my attention. I wrote them down. I journaled my thoughts and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't.
Several Scriptures convicted me to the core. I sat bolt upright and imagined King David in his might and glory penning these words. He was the one who slayed tens of thousands, commanded armies, caused a pagan queen to cross an ocean and a continent because of his renown.
An emperor and heroic commander penned these words that pierced my soul:
How you drove out the nations with Your hand, and planted others instead; how You afflicted peoples, and sent them away. For they did not take possession of the land by their own sword, nor did their own arm save them; but it was Your right hand, and Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, because You had favor on them (Ps. 44:2-3).
God's right hand, His arm and the light of His face brought victory. David declares:
You are my King, O god; command deliverances for Jacob. Through You we will push down our opponents; through Your name we will trample those who rise up against us. For I will not trust in my bow, nor will my sword save me. But You have saved us from our opponents, and have put to shame those who hate us. In God we boast all the day long, and give thanks to Your name forever. Selah (Ps. 4:4-8).
David's source of might was God's right hand, His arm and the light of His face. David's accomplished his mighty exploits because he had an intimate, hand-to-hand, arm-to-arm, face-to-face, touch- to-touch, breath-to-breath relationship with God. He was utterly dependent on God.
I was convicted of how much I depend on myself and my own strength, might, connections and smarts to get done what I need to get done. I can get a lot done without God. I was terrified by my own independence.
I repented of depending on my own strength. I laid down my giftedness, my skills, my talents and connections. I asked Him to teach me how to depend on Him. I laid down my sword and trust in myself.
I don't hear Christians saying this prayer because we don't like depending on anyone. We celebrate independence and the self-made millionaire who doesn't need anyone. We don't want to need anyone or count on someone.
As an editor of an online publication and social media manager, I'm immersed in a world chasing likes and shares. We want our video or our post to go viral. We want fame, fortune and popularity, and we can deceive ourselves into thinking we will use this for God's glory.
The chase for likes and shares creates pressure to hype or manipulate information to get people to read your post or share your video. We become a prisoner of our own hype. God's victory doesn't depend on my fame, fortune or hype. Winning God's way comes by relationship alone.
A friend of mine at the International House of Prayer Kansas City told me how he quit writing for several years to get to know God. His relationship with God was more valuable than his journalistic ability. I tried to imagine myself not doing what I'm good at for several years to seek God. Frankly, I don't see how I could do that, because my family depends financially on my writing and business. God knows my situation, and He has opened doors to people I would have considered out of my league 10 years ago.
The prayer coursing in my soul is to know how to depend on Him. To know victory by His right hand, right arm and the light of His face. A win that comes from a touch-to-touch, breath-to-breath walk with the living God. A win that doesn't come from my own ability to wield the sword or my talent to shoot the bow, but a win or victorious season from hearing and responding to Him.
Leilani Haywood the author of Ten Keys to Raising Kids That Love God and online editor of SpiritLed Woman. She is nearing 25 years of marriage to one of the funniest men she knows and is a mother to two sons who are aspiring music producer/singers and a 15-year-old diva with Down syndrome. Jerome, Chris, Alex and D'Andra keep her on her face before God. Connect with her on Twitter or Instagram.
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