I demanded, "I need to know that You'll always be here."
He assured me, "I can't break My word, and that's exactly what it says, Josh. It says I'll never leave you; I'll never forsake you. I said that ... to you. It was Me writing those words down through Moses. And Moses wrote those words in confidence with Me because I was fathering him too. He wrote those words from experience, son."
I said, "That may be, but life has taught me hard lessons. What do You care? Why don't You just leave? I mean, if You are real, I can't bear the reality of Your absence. I won't do this with You. This isn't a game to me. Why does it have to matter at all what I believe if the result is me without You?! If You're real, then I need You. It's not a game. Or does that not matter? I don't matter? I knew that. What are you even doing here! Just leave already."
I felt His nearness. He was wrapping me all the way up inside with love.
I was just waking up to the realness of God. I didn't ask for it, and it was terrifying. I was like some kind of scared animal. I didn't know if I wanted to fight or let it happen. So far I was ready for anything though.
I was tough. Life had seen to it.
It just kept coming. He was everywhere. His love was all over my unrighteousness—whatever—it just kept going. Like an endless train of a soft garment entering into the barrenness of my heart—a filthy womb of the dead. What was it even doing in there?
I got angry again and said, "I can't trust You. Just leave already!"
He responded gently, "Son, I'm always here. Right where you are. You have to believe a lie to not sense Me here with you. I made your senses to know. They respond to Me. I am here now and will never leave you. Not ever."
I could feel His honesty. I began to see His innocence.
Christian author Joshua Marcengill produces a weekly podcast called Abundant Encounters that utilizes meditation and activations to help Christians cultivate more encounters. To help support his cause or learn more visit abundantencounters.com.
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